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coming out of denial

over the last several years, i have been working hard on myself in order to be a better partner to nick. that might sound cheesy, but it's not. it's actually vital to any relationship to be working on yourself as you grow + evolve.⁣

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i have been to therapists, done EMDR therapy, went through treatment for my eating disorder + am now sorting through something i knew was an issue, but i never wanted to admit it. CODEPENDENCY. even the word makes me cringe. why? because it makes me feel weak. it makes me feel like i am desperate. it makes me feel like i'm everything i don't want to be. ⁣

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a friend who knows me so well mentioned (years ago) that i may want to dig deeper into codependency. i brushed it off. like i said, the word alone made me feel less than. but after doing a lot of other work on myself, i recently came to the conclusion that i needed to take a closer look at how my behavior fit into the codependency world. ⁣

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wow. i thought as i read + listened + read some more. i am codependent.

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everything i had issues with was right there. in black + white. codependency is about over-functioning in someone else's life but under-functioning in your own. a lot of my emotions are because i let the behavior of someone else effect me so much. like, too much. i'm in the process of reading some books about codependency that i will share with you soon. i want to be able to digest them before i talk to you all about them. like i said, this is all a work in progress! i'm just starting to tear apart this codependency junk! the type of codependency i relate to is anxious attachment style. anxious (preoccupied) attached individuals can be hypervigilant for signs of distance in their partner. yep, that's me. i drive nick bonkers asking him if things are okay or if i did something wrong. more often than not, he only gets irritated because i ask a dozen times. in order to be close + intimate, an anxious attached person is more likely to place the needs of their partner ahead of their own. ooooh, yeah. i am the queen of making sure not only nick, but basically anyone else is always happy, has what they need, is okay ... which is fine normally. but when that can dictate your own mood and emotions, hello ... codependency. people like me also tend to take things personally. yep. this one is hard. i battle with not feeling good enough and when i'm left out of something, i instantly believe it's because of me. when in fact, it's not. and also, who cares? right? and the final trait is a form of catastrophising where anxiously attached peeps routinely predict negative outcomes about things in the future. ⁣oh, you mean like me thinking everything good in my life will just evaporate? that? yeah. i'm good at catastrophising. real good.

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if you are sitting there scratching your head wondering how this is me ... it's easy to hide. nick is the one that gets the brunt of my behaviors because he is my partner. i do see signs of it in other relationships, but not as obvious. people that have anxious attachment are typically givers. anxious attachment derived from some sort of developmental rupture in early life. there was likely to be some form of damage to the 'secure base' in my life. and ... how i coped and dealt with it turned into ... codependency. looking back, i've been dealing with this since high school. i could rattle off so many examples that scream codependency. ⁣i'm not here to bash my childhood or growing up, but there were major things in my life that are OBVIOUS to me. i know where this was born. it's just my turn to change the patterns i learned over the years. i also want to note that i have read + heard my therapist say how COMMON it is to have some kind of codependency. i want to be open about what i am going through because hell, if it helps someone out there feel less alone, that's a win. because you're not alone + usually this behavior has been a part of you for some time.

while i work on myself, nick has been here. listening to me, trying his best to understand + giving me grace when the negative sides of this beast bubble up. i have never felt safe enough with anyone to discuss all this kind of junk, but it's different with him. even when we argue he will hear me out. he won't shut me out. and even when it's not pretty, we do a great job at communicating. most of the time. i mean, we are human! it has taken a lot to be able to really share such vulnerable things with him. everything from some of my most embarrassing feelings, my eating disorder (like, REALLY being honest about my behavior and not sugar coating it) and some of my biggest behavior obstacles. i have apologized to this amazing man more times than i can count, and he still keeps loving me through it all.

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bottom line, i'm so grateful for a partner like him. it truly makes working my shit out so much easier with a support system. i honestly don't know where i would be without him. he really has helped make me a better version of myself. and i'm not done yet! i'm also glad i've been investing in a therapist to help me sort all of this out and be even better in all my relationships!⁣ if you are scared to be vulnerable and open up to your partner, friend or a therapist, i plead with you to do it. it will be the greatest gift you ever give yourself.

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